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[May. 16th, 2006|12:12 am] |
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So Ashley and I are broken up. It's for the best at this time. We moved in and it was great at first, but so much got in the way. Word to the wise out there, don't move in with someone you are dating if you are not finacially stable, it causes a lot of distance in the relationship and means you have to work a lot more hours and sacrifice a lot that you want. I couldn't go to school because I was working 40 hour weeks, we never saw each other cause I would work 3rd shift then come home and just sleep while she worked 1st shift. We both realized that we just need to get our own things together before we can be together, which is why I am back home and living off the rents again. We are still really close, and still really in love, but we decided that if we are gonna move out we should take a break as well, just to see what happens once we get everything together. It hurts, but at the same time, it's the best thing to do. It's also not like we don't still act like we are dating we just don't hold each other to a certain standard anymore. I don't know how i'll feel if she ends up dating someone or how she'll react if I end up dating someone, but as of right now, I believe that is the furthest thing from either of our minds. I know I love her, and I know she is an amazing person, but sometimes, you need the breaks, you need the time apart, and we hit that point. We've been together for so long, and we know we work, but we also know we each have needs and desires to be more than just working 40 hour weeks to get by, we have dreams and we know we need to go to college for them. So this break is really just to better ourselves and fulfill what we feel we should. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 25th, 2005|04:06 pm] |
Ashley and I are offically moved in!
Oh yeah, I forgot to update, Ashley and I are back together!!! :) This time it's for good. We just moved into our apartment about two weeks ago, and we just got internet. I love her! I am never leaving her again!
Just a thought, I think I am gonna propose to her. I want to spend my life with her, and that time apart proved that to me more than ever. I'm so scared about it though, is it to fast? Input would be very appreciated. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 29th, 2005|03:34 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sad | ] |
Okay back to song of the days.
Don't, don't you wish we'd tried
do you feel what I feel inside
Is our love stronger then pride
No, don't let your anger grow
Just tell me what you need me to know
please talk to me don't closet the door
cause i want to hear you, i want to be near you
don't fight dont argue
give me the chance to say that i'm sorry
just let me love, don't turn me away don't tell me to go
Don't don't give up on trust
don't give up on me, on us
If we could just hold on long enough
we could do it, we'll get through it
don't fight don't argue
just give me the chance to say that i'm sorry
just let me love you
don't turn me away don't tell me to go
don't pretend that it's okay
things won't get better that way
dont do something you might regret someday.
Ashley and I are not doing good. I screwed around with another girl, and she found out. I didn't mean to, I really never meant it to go further then the first kiss. But then one thing led to another and now Ashley is not talking to me. I thought I wanted space, I thought I needed the break, but I don't. I want her and only her. That look in her eyes, those tears I caused, I was so stupid. One night with someone you like isn't worth leaving someone you love. I never realized how true that statement was until now. I'm an idiot. I need her, she's everything to me. She is the love of my life, why was I so dumb to think i needed to prove it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 14th, 2005|12:35 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
Okay so I know I am horrible at updating this thing. I used it to get my emotions out that I couldn't express to many other people because of how Ashley wanted to keep everything secret. Also, I was gone for most of the summer, and then when I returned my internet was down. Here's the update though.
Ashley and I are on a break for a short time. I told her I needed some time to figure things out with school and my family and moving. I'm not moving, but she asked if I would move in with her, and that scared me. I know, be careful what you wish for. I love her dearly, and always will, and we will get back together in time. I just needed my space right now. I had never thought about spending my life with someone until she came into my life. That terrifies me that those thoughts run through my head now. I need to grow up and stop trying to have my cake and eat it to. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 8th, 2005|09:52 am] |
Ashley is the most wonderful, beautiful, person on this earth. I've never been happier in my life. I've learned even when things seem to look there worse, if you stick it through, they can end up being the best thing to ever happen to you!
Ashley I <3 you! (Not like you EVER read this anymore, but just incase you do!) |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 26th, 2005|09:50 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  chipper | ] |
Holy cannoli i have not updated in a long while! Wowza! Lol. Well a lot has been going on, mainly, i'm just not home. Ashley and I went camping for a week, then we went on a little road trip down into to Texas. The story behind the reason we went there is so stupid, but shows you how we are. We were having a debate one day if the Mexican food in Texas was really as good as everyone claims. I told her it was probably a hype to get everyone who adores Mexican food to come to Texas, she swore to me that they weren't lying, (she has been there many times), so we ended up driving down there and staying a few days in Dallas.
Then the next few days i spent doing a lot of overtime at work making up for all the money i just spent/lost. But you know what, being in a sleeping bag, and then in a car and hotel with Ashley, just me and Ashley, it was well worth it. I am so happy with Ashley. I've never been so at ease with someone i have dated. We just have fun together, it's not just lets make out and have sex, that does happen though. hehe. We enjoy each others company, and ahhhh i love her! :) <--------- x100!
So i hope my reasonings for not updating were justified. Not that many missed me seeing how i only know of about 10 people who read this, and only one of which comments. but this was for all of you! I need to get going though, I have to go get my baby girl!
Also, Ashley was right, it is good! I guess i owe her, but i'm not complaining. ;) |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 10th, 2005|03:49 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
Okay, I know i am probably over reacting here, but lately i'm getting the suspicion Ashley might be talking to someone new. Now before I sound jealous and overprotective, I have good reason. She is always sneaking off when her phone rings, when i ask her who it is, she just goes, "one of my friends, you don't know her." I understand those might not be bad things, but when she doesn't show up one day because she is hanging out with this "friend" i get a bit suspicious. I am trying not to be. She tells me up and down how much she is in love with me, and she'd never do anything to jeopardize that, and i try to believe it. I'm just being jealous. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 7th, 2005|04:21 am] |
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Ok Zack needs to leave my girlfriend alone. All he does is stalk her, he threatens me, and leaves me in a very odd spot. Ashley still wants to be on good terms with him, which i do understand, she is that type of person. Then there is that side of me that worries about what if he becomes desperate. He has threatened that if i dont back off of Ashley and let her go be with "who she wants" that he would have to take matters into his own hands. I am not scared of him for myself, but for her. If he lays a hand on her, i swear he'll wish he never was born. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 29th, 2005|11:00 pm] |
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Man i never update anymore. I'm to busy with my baby Ashley :) Through all of this i never thought we'd actually be together. She proved me wrong. Zack keeps trying to get back with her everyday, it's funny, we went out to dinner, and he literally came up there and begged for her to take him back, right in front of me, knowing that her and I are dating. I just looked at him, not pissed, just very confused. I would be pissed, but i know my baby girl only loves me. It was so cute though, she looked him right in the eye and told him she was with who she wanted to be with, and she wouldn't trade that for anything. She is just to good to me. Or i think maybe she is trying to make up for the hell we had to go through. Eiter way, its a good thing. :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 24th, 2005|07:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy | ] |
Ashley is amazing! Awww so cute :)
Okay so an update for what happened. Well i basically had given up on her. I just dropped it, I decided to move on. Not giving it to her anymore. Well she said she wanted to have breakfast with me to talk, she told me about how she was miserable without me. She said that if living a lie means living without me in her life like that, she can't live a lie. Then she perceeded to tell me about she told her mom she had a thing for me. Her mom said she already knew, and that i was a "good catch" apparently. Haha. I found that hilarious. I am though. :) Her mom knew that we have had a thing for awhile now, she said she liked me with Ashley more than she liked Zack. I wanted to cry right there in the restaurant. Well we ended up going to her house, and Ashley had to run her sister to one of her friends house, and her mom and I get along very well, so she told me she wanted me to stay behind and talk to her. I will admit this, i was terrified at first. Her mom knew, she knew about me, so i was waiting to get a lecture, which i kind of did, but it was good. She just told me that Ashley cares about me very deeply, and when she told her mom about me she cried but said that i was the only person to ever make her truly happy. I told her mom it was the same for me. She told me to not break her daughters heart, but that she knows i won't.
I can honestly say i never saw that coming. Ashley broke up with Zack in the afternoon, then we spent the rest of the night together. Just cuddling, talking, kissing, it was the most amazing thing ever. Then to make it offical, i just whispered in her ear, "so will you be mine now?" It was the cutest thing ever, she smiled at me, kissed me and said "I have always been yours." It was almost like something out of a movie. So, We are offically dating. It's been the most amazing thing. She brought me flowers today and put them on my windshield while i was at work with a cute little letter attached. I am so in love, it's unreal! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 23rd, 2005|05:36 am] |
A lot has happened. This is the first time i've been home in about a day and a half. It's almost 4 in the morning, and i should be asleep. All i can say is wow. I'm happy. I'll fill you all in later, when i'm not so sleep deprived.
By all i mean i'll fill you in Sam a little bit later. :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 20th, 2005|06:31 pm] |
I miss her. I still see her, but it isn't the same. She is always trying to kiss me, always apologizing, crying, begging for me to forgive her and come back. I told her i would, if she dumped Zack and would be with me. She told me how i know she can't do that. So i told her that i can't be with her then. I don't know if we can just be friends, it seems it always ends up with her trying to get on me, and despite how much i do not want to, i push her off. I have the perfect song for the moment.
When you refuse you confuse me
What makes you think i'll let you in again
Think again my friend
Go on misuse me and abuse me
I'll come out stronger in the end
Does it make you sad to find yourself alone
Does it make you mad to find that i have grown
Bet it hurts so bad to see the strength that i have shown
When you answer the door, pick up the phone you won't find me cause i'm not coming home
You do not know how much this hurts me
To say these things that i dont want to say but have to say them anyways
I would do anything to end your suffering
But you would rather walk away
Does it make you sad to find yourself alone
Does it make you mad to find that i have grown
I bet it hurt so bad to see the strength that i have shown
When you answer the door, pick up the phone you won't find me cause i'm not coming home.
Maroon 5 is really a good band for this type of thing I am going through. Of course another song has to come on that reminds me of her.
Hey your glass is empty
It's a hell of a long way home
Why don't you let me take you
It's no good to go alone
I would have never opened up
But you seemed so real to me
After all the bullshit i have heard
It's refreshing to see
That i don't have to pretend
She doesn't expect it from me
So don't tell I haven't been good to you
Don't tell me I haven't have never been there for you
Don't tell me why nothing is good enough
Hey little girl would you like some candy
You're mama said it's okay
Door is open come on outside
No i can't come out today
It's not wind that cracked your shoulder
And threw you to the ground
Whose there that makes you so afraid
Shaken to the bone
I don't understand
You deserve so much more than this
So don't tell why, he's never been good to you
Don't tell me why he's never been there for you
Don't you know that why is simply not good enough
Oh so just let me try
And i will be good to you
Just let me try and i will be there for you
I'll show you why theres so much more than good enough.
I need to move on. Any single ladies, holla at ya girl! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 17th, 2005|10:14 pm] |
Ashley and I are now strictly friend. After the events of today, i can no longer be her little toy. Or whatever i was to her. I smelled him on her today when she came over for "our" time. I had never smelled him on her before tonight. I asked her why i could, and she confessed it to me. They had sex today. I just looked at her, while she started crying and told me it meant nothing and she was sorry, begging me not to go. I couldn't stay, so i just walked out. She chased me to my car, begging me to not go, to come and talk about things, instead i kissed her, right in her driveway, waited for her reaction, which was her looking around making sure no one saw, then i rolled my eyes and got into my car and drove home. The last view i saw of her was her crying in her driveway. Was i right to leave? Should i have stayed? I don't know if what I did was a good or bad thing. I should have talked it out. I was in such shock. Everything she reassured me wouldn't happen, happened. After she kissed me and made love to me after telling me that promise.
"I've packed a change of clothes, and it's time to move on." |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 14th, 2005|03:34 pm] |
I played the fool today
And I just dream of vanishing into the crowd
Longing for home again
But home
Is a feeling I buried in you
I'm alright I'm alright
It only hurts when I breathe
And I can't ask for things to be still again
No I can't ask if I could walk though the world
In your eyes
Longing for home again
But home
Is a feeling I buried in you
I'm alright I'm alright
It only hurts when I breathe
My window through which nothing hides
And everything sings
I'm counting the signs
And cursing the miles in between
Oh
And home is a feeling I buried in you
That I buried in you
I'm alright I'm alright
Meet me in the dark.
Keep your eyes down
Keep your head lowered
Keep to yourself dear
Do not tell a soul
You know it's wrong
What they've been saying
You knew all along
That I would have to go
Find a place where light shines on my reflection
A place where I can stand up on my own
Not down on my knees
Until then please
Meet me in the dark
Meet me in the shadows
Past the old graveyard
Down Eisenhower road
Meet me where the storms
Blow out on their own dear
Meet me in the dark
Never let me go
I know everyone
Has their unspoken fear
It eats away their senses
And their humanity
They carry all their secrets
Every night down to the river
And they try so hard to drown them
They won't do that to me
Cause I'm working hard saving all my money
And the tips in this jar will buy a brand new set of wings
For my Mercury
Until then please
I could never hide this little light of mine
If God made a mistake then I should die before I wake
Maybe it's my fate to swim against this tide
Swallowing my pride
Keep your eyes down
Say that you don't know me
For I could not survive
If they took you away
Songs let emotions fly. Ashley and I, This weekend was amazing. Then reality sets back in, and all the weekend of talking, fighting, making love, laughing, crying, and hopeful thinking, everything is the same. I can't be her secret. I don't want to lose her, and she doesn't want to lose me. Fear is such a bad emotion. It keeps you apart from the person you would climb to the top of the world to be with. Love is tougher than any other challenge we must face. I'm climbing to the top to find her, i hope she is there waiting. Until then, meet me in the dark, my love. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 11th, 2005|01:46 pm] |
Last night i spent the night at Ashleys because the night before we had a nice, long talk. She told me we need some alone time, so I spent the night. We talked about everything, how i can't stand the whole Zack situation, and how i can't be this thing she is ashamed of. She started crying and apologizing that she made me feel that way. She told me she has some thinking to do, but she wants to spend the weekend with me, i agreed because her parents are out of town, and the way things are looking, I think spending more time with her would be for the best. I was leaving for home this morning though, and Ashley had to wake up early for work, and on my windshield was this letter, it was from her, this is what it said.
I wanna hold you
And love you
In my arms and then
I wanna lead you
Cause I need to be with you til the end
And then I hear myself reply
"You've got to hold it in this time tonight"
If only I had the guts to feel this way
And if only you'd look at me and want to stay
And if only I'd take you in my arms and say
I wont go cause I need you
I think it is part of a poem, or song, or maybe she wrote it, I don't know. That worries me a bit though, because she says right in there if she had the guts to feel this way. I guess we will see what the weekend ends up bringing. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 9th, 2005|05:26 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | disappointed | ] |
I'm under attack again my dear, I'm in the way
Got no resolutions, no clever anecdotes to say
And still if I yell at the top of my lungs will it be the same?
I'd fly you a flag, I'd bury this pen into my veins
I wanna feel through you tonight
But I won't make you
I won't make you
The telephone number I got for you says nobody's home
The best thing I can think to do right now is leave it alone
And you had an apology in your mailbox since last July
It's funny when you find the words to say you find no reply
I wanna feel through you tonight
But I won't make you
I won't make you
Scream my name just one more time
But I won't make you
I won't make you
And it's been hours now
To be here like this
And just to lay you down
And just to taste your lips
And just to keep me up
God I'm tired of sleeping
And just to lay inside you
And just to know this feeling
I wanna feel through you tonight
But I won't make you
I won't make you
Scream my name just one more time
But I won't make you
I won't make you
Ashley drives me crazy. Last night my Aunt Becky came into town from Maryland, so we ended up going out to Breakfast. Well it was Ashley, My Aunt, and myself. Ashley and I sat in a booth right next to each other. The whole time she kept rubbing up my leg, getting me very turned on. Then my Aunt asked her if she has a boyfriend, and she immediately stops, and starts talking about Zack. Then my Aunt looked at me and asked me what happened between me and Brent. That is my ex-boyfriend. I told her we broke up a few months ago. Then she asked why I haven't started dating someone new yet. I told her that sort of was, and I looked at Ashley, she looked so mad. So I ended up dropping the subject. She left about a half hour ago. She kissed me goodbye, but I do not know if i can get past that look. I don't want to be something she is ashamed of. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 8th, 2005|01:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  yet content | ] |
So Ashley and I are "friend with benefits" i guess. Which in my eyes i see it as we have sex, then she goes and makes out with her boyfriend. You know, most people wouldn't be bothered by sex with no commitment, but when you are totally crazy over that person, it makes it quite difficult. I really just hope she isn't having sex with Zack as well, because then, i would have a big problem with this whole situation. She told me her and Zack don't have sex, that she can't have sex with him because she doesn't feel the urge or want to, but when around me, she becomes a nympho. I asked her what would happen if i found someone else, and she immediately said that me finding a guy would be awesome because it would be a good cover up for both of us. I guess people are starting to suspect something different between us, so she is getting all paranoid and trying to get a big cover up. Well, i told her if i went for someone, it wouldn't be a guy, because i don't think i like guys as much as i once thought i did. After making love with her, the thought of a guy really turns me off. I like the feeling of kissing girls, i like the feeling they give me, and i'm not going to compromise my happiness so that i can look normal in the eyes of my peers. She surprisingly wasn't mad that i told her i'd go for a girl. She told me she'd be insanely jealous though. She thinks if i am with a guy that she knows we won't be doing anything sexual, but with another girl, she doesn't know. I then did what a lot of people would be seen as seemingly stupid, and i just bluntly asked if why if she would be jealous, why doesn't she just date me, be mine, then we wouldn't have to worry about it. Instead of getting pissed, she kissed me. Then she made me listen to this song that apparently makes her think of me. It is actually a good song. it's by michelle branch. I am not sure what's its called, but i'll put the lyrics down.
I didn't notice
but i didn't care
i tried being honest
but that left me nowhere
i watched the station
saw the bus pulling through
and i don't mind saying
a part of me left with you
so one of these days
i won't be afraid of staying with you
i hope and i pray
waiting to find a way back to you
cause that where i'm home
did i make you nervous
did i ask for to much
was i not deserving
one second of your touch
one of these days
i won't be afraid of being with you
i hope and i pray
waiting to find my way back to you
cause that's where i'm home
what would you do if i could have you
if i could
I'd let you feel everything you can get
wouldn't that be nice
so one of these days
i won't be afraid of being with you...
Okay so it's called one of these days. So listening to that with her confused me quite a bit because it sounds like the person has already lost who they were with. She explained the lines "one of these days, i won't be scared of being with you," and "What would you do if i could have you, if i could, i'd let you feel everything you can get, wouldn't that be nice" are the lines that remind her of me. She said she knows this would be the song she'd feel if anything ever happened between us, where maybe i get fed up or run away. I told her that will never happen. We promised no matter what we are going to be friends and not let this interfere with our friendship. I wish i could talk to someone about all this stuff going on, but since she is trying to keep it a secret, everyone around here is no help because i can't give her away. So if any of you nice people who read this have any advice, you should IM me. I only have yahoo, the screen name is wornmedown87. I really could use the talk with someone, just a little advice. I'm a sucker for a shirt haired girl with a pretty smile. That is what gets me. |
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| YES! |
[Jun. 6th, 2005|11:03 pm] |
You scored as Exciting.
You are exciting, people want to fuck your brains out and you know it. Whether it's in an airplane or on the back of the bus, sex with you is always exciting.
Exciting
81%
Hot
81%
Soft
75%
Violent
69%
Wet
69%
Sweet
44%
Awkward
25%
Shy
19% |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 3rd, 2005|05:16 pm] |
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I got my lip pierced yesterday! it looks so HOTT! I know how bad Ashley wanted to kiss me with it, oh how i love having the upper hand! |
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| Empty Apartment |
[May. 30th, 2005|06:33 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | confused | ] |
Call me out
You stayed inside
One you love
Is where you hide
Shot me down as I flew by
Crash and burn
I think sometimes you forget where the heart is
Answer no to these questions
Let her go, learn a lesson
It's not me, you're not listening now
Can't you see something's missing?
You forget where the heart is
Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you love me you'd say it's okay
Waking up from this nightmare
How's your life, what's it like there?
Is it all what you want it to be?
Does it hurt when you think about me?
And how broken my heart is
Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you love me you'd say it's okay
It's okay to be angry and never let go
It only gets harder the more that you know
When you get lonely if no one's around
You know that I'll catch you when you're falling down
We came together but you left alone
And I know how it feels to walk out on your own
Maybe someday I will see you again
And you'll look me in my eyes and call me your friend
Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you love me you'd say its okay
It's okay
It's okay
I am infatuated with lyrics. Especially in times that i need them. This, would be one of those times. I love this song though. It makes a lot of sense to me. Ashley and I are attempted to talk, but it is so strange now. All i hear is how she still loves me, but then i know that she is making out with her boyfriend two seconds later. Maybe she just loves me like a friend. Then again, friends don't show up randomly at your house at 3 in the morning because they know your parents are out of town and just start kissing you and telling you how much they need you. Wow, sorry about that run on sentence there but i had to get it out. Friends don't just come over and initate sex with you. At least not friends I'm used to having. I am so confused! I was actually beginning to realize that being her friend is all i'm going to be to her, and that what happened between us was really just "experimenting." Then, her showing up, the kissing, the passion. I've never made love before her. Other people i've been with, it was just sex, but with her, it was making love. Thinking that she might do that with her boyfriend though, really makes me want to go puke. I need to find someone new, i need to just except that this is how it is going to be. She is going to be scared and hide behind Zack's protective judgement saver, and come around to me when she can't control it anymore. I'll end up being a booty call. Just a good one. One that she actually does care about, but for fear of others won't pursue. I can't be that. I'm not strong enough to be her crutch. I am also not selfish enough to make her choose. I know i said i told her him or me. But if i honestly meant it, we wouldn't be talking. I just do not think i am strong enough to deny her. The moment she kisses me, i'm all hers. |
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